Kill Bil, Volume 1 (Movie Review)

Bluntly, this movie is a piece of excrement. Oh, it is sooooo bad! It is such a crap that I have to question myself if Reservoir Dogs and Pulp Fiction were really Quentin Tarantino's.

Yes, this is a Quentin Tarantino (QT) movie - the worst of them all. Here, QT tries to tell the story of "Black Mamba" (Uma Thurman), who was attacked on her wedding day, nearly dying and assisting the death of all her guests.

Kill Bill's (KBV1) storyboard is really simple: #1) Black Mamba beats Copperhead (aka Vernita Green, played by Vivica Fox); #2) Black Mamba wedding ends up badly; #3) Black Mamba does NOT die; #4) Black Mamba beats Cottonmouth (aka O-Ren Ishii, played by Lucy Liu). That is it, end of story, until Volume 2.

Movies are known for unbelievable sequences, but the way Black Mamba survives the attack is just too much. Supposedly, Mamba resists a bullet in the head, shot from a gun glued to her brain! But she just suffers a coma period... That could only happen if she had her head protected by a 5 cm deep carbon fiber helmet, which was not the case.

Certainly there will be a movie titled "Superman vs Black Mamba", since Uma Thurman's personage didn't rest on such achievement. After years of silent coma, when she did nothing more than lay horizontally still, and get raped by weirdos, she suddenly wakes up and, somehow, finds the muscular strength required to kill one heavy sex offender, drive a truck and go hunt Lucy Liu. Not only her muscles resisted impressively well to hundreds of days of paralysis, but her eyes also behaved awesomely, showing zero problems, despite all that time in pitch black darkness.

KBV1 lasts nearly two hours. Half of the movie goes by with women screaming "Yhaa! Yeee! Fssst. Pouch, bang!". Great audio? Not exactly. The looooong sequence where Thurman and Liu finally fight, is like a bad Bruce Lee performance: they jump and scream and finally the chinese one dies.

Bad movie. Really, really bad. You should get payed to watch this.

Worryingly, prior to this Kill Bill job, Thurman played Debby Miller in "hysterical blindness", a much better TV movie, but where she surely didn't shine.

You can buy this and/or related products here.

for european costumers:

title: Kill Bill, Volume 1 [2003]
price: £12.99
url: http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B00008W64B/arturmarques
ASIN: B00008W64B
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for american costumers:

title: Kill Bill - Vol. 1 (2003)
price: $19.49 (USD)
url: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/B00005JMEW/arturmarquesc-20
ASIN: B00005JMEW
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for real time monetary conversions, please use the XE service.